I have been pondering this question recently, and grieving over the people I love who seem to be so far from knowing Christ.
So this was an article that made me say "wow"... and is well worth reading.
Journey to the Center (Christianity Today, 12/30/09)
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
living freely and lightly
You know those days that just feel like a perfect storm? I’ve been fasting the last few days out of a conviction that I haven’t had for a number of years that I really need to fast and actually I really want to fast, and it was going well, until today. I’ve been reading an awesome book that my neighbor Pam (IV staff worker and reader of many good devotional books) loaned me at the perfect time. It’s on spiritual disciplines but starts with these amazing words about discipline not being a retreat from our desires, but rather the fulfilling of our all soul’s desires and longings, which are really just longings for God—and through everything from prayer to celebration we can draw near to God and have our longings met. The words “unforced rhythms of grace” (the author’s phrase) and “Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly” (Matthew 11:30, The Message) keep ringing in my ears.
And then today I totally, totally lost it. I had jury duty, and of course no time ever seems like a good time for jury duty and I have been feeling so stressed with all the work that just keeps piling up, not to mention all the Christmas stuff this time of year-- it always seems so busy. I have never been convinced that jury duty is critical to the functioning of a healthy democracy, and having to give up my time like that just makes me grumpy. I had to be at the courthouse in Boston at 8 a.m. (usually just about when I am waking up), and I was planning on getting the 6:49 a.m. train, but then Joel and I realized last night that he actually needed the car to be at church at 6 a.m. Our church does an early morning service every Wednesday and once a month Joel serves as an acolyte. Our neighbors offered to take me to the train but I have kind of been wanting to go to this service anyway so I figured I would tough it out and go with Joel, and then catch the train nearby.
On the way to church we realized I had virtually no cash (which I needed for the train) and I had forgotten to pick up the roll of quarters I meant to pick up on the way out the door and Joel had forgotten to pick up the three dollar bills he meant to pick up. (Does anyone else’s household operate like this, where you usually don’t have more than three bucks and some change between you?) No problem, I thought. I would drop Joel off at church (he had to be there half an hour early to get ready) and find an ATM. It was dark, slick, and rainy, I never drive in this area and kept getting lost, and I couldn’t find an ATM. One location wouldn’t let me in the door (you know those automatic card readers that open the door)—I figured out later that neither of my ATM cards were working for reasons I still can’t figure out. By the time I got back to church I was late, frustrated, cold and wet, and still cash-less. The homily was a great message about receiving God’s rest but I just couldn’t my shake my mad-at-the-world-and-I-hate-New-England-in-winter feeling.
I wanted to stay til the end of the service and thought I would have enough time to stop at a grocery store (which was finally open) and get cash, which I did, but I missed my train. And I kept feeling lost on those dark streets and calling Joel and he wasn’t answering and I just felt FRUSTRATED! When I got into Boston the freezing rain had turned to snow with freezing rain and I had no umbrella and couldn’t find the courthouse and was cold, wet, and very frustrated as I ran around downtown Boston. I kept trying to call Joel to get directions and tell him how much my day SUCKED but it’s probably a good thing he didn’t answer until I had cooled down a little.
As it turns out being 45 minutes late for jury duty isn’t that big a deal, I just slipped into a seat and made snide comments under my breath about the 80s era “how to be a juror” video. Definitely not happy to be there. After the video they gave us a break and I went to ask the officers if I could get reimbursed for the $15 it cost me to get into Boston. They looked confused. Turns out as I live in a totally different county now (30 miles from Boston) I never should have been called for jury duty in the first place in Boston, and no one can tell me how that happened (you would think they would be able to train their computers to, say, check zipcodes)... and no they couldn’t reimburse me the $15... but I was free to go. (I of course have been wondering why I didn’t notice that I now live in a totally different county—except that I am not very aware of such things.)
On the way out (through snow and freezing rain) I did get a hold of Joel to tell him how much my day SUCKED and how angry it makes me when he doesn’t answer his phone, both inappropriate reactions that of course I should not let fly and of course made him feel really bad. Nice job, wife.
I guess the good news is I am going to be home by 1 p.m. and I can get my work done rather than sitting on a jury. And maybe the other blessing, no matter how well disguised, is that I get this exposé of my own heart. (I’m not always sure exactly what fasting accomplished, but certainly it makes me more aware.) I certainly could have done some things differently today, like not vent my toxic emotions to my spouse, but I think more than that I want to be different. In the theme of spiritual disciplines not being about better behavior (and I don’t think that is what God ultimately wants for us anyway), but about coming close to God out of desire—to be changed, to not lose it even when we are having a perfect storm of a day, to learn to live freely and lightly.
And then today I totally, totally lost it. I had jury duty, and of course no time ever seems like a good time for jury duty and I have been feeling so stressed with all the work that just keeps piling up, not to mention all the Christmas stuff this time of year-- it always seems so busy. I have never been convinced that jury duty is critical to the functioning of a healthy democracy, and having to give up my time like that just makes me grumpy. I had to be at the courthouse in Boston at 8 a.m. (usually just about when I am waking up), and I was planning on getting the 6:49 a.m. train, but then Joel and I realized last night that he actually needed the car to be at church at 6 a.m. Our church does an early morning service every Wednesday and once a month Joel serves as an acolyte. Our neighbors offered to take me to the train but I have kind of been wanting to go to this service anyway so I figured I would tough it out and go with Joel, and then catch the train nearby.
On the way to church we realized I had virtually no cash (which I needed for the train) and I had forgotten to pick up the roll of quarters I meant to pick up on the way out the door and Joel had forgotten to pick up the three dollar bills he meant to pick up. (Does anyone else’s household operate like this, where you usually don’t have more than three bucks and some change between you?) No problem, I thought. I would drop Joel off at church (he had to be there half an hour early to get ready) and find an ATM. It was dark, slick, and rainy, I never drive in this area and kept getting lost, and I couldn’t find an ATM. One location wouldn’t let me in the door (you know those automatic card readers that open the door)—I figured out later that neither of my ATM cards were working for reasons I still can’t figure out. By the time I got back to church I was late, frustrated, cold and wet, and still cash-less. The homily was a great message about receiving God’s rest but I just couldn’t my shake my mad-at-the-world-and-I-hate-New-England-in-winter feeling.
I wanted to stay til the end of the service and thought I would have enough time to stop at a grocery store (which was finally open) and get cash, which I did, but I missed my train. And I kept feeling lost on those dark streets and calling Joel and he wasn’t answering and I just felt FRUSTRATED! When I got into Boston the freezing rain had turned to snow with freezing rain and I had no umbrella and couldn’t find the courthouse and was cold, wet, and very frustrated as I ran around downtown Boston. I kept trying to call Joel to get directions and tell him how much my day SUCKED but it’s probably a good thing he didn’t answer until I had cooled down a little.
As it turns out being 45 minutes late for jury duty isn’t that big a deal, I just slipped into a seat and made snide comments under my breath about the 80s era “how to be a juror” video. Definitely not happy to be there. After the video they gave us a break and I went to ask the officers if I could get reimbursed for the $15 it cost me to get into Boston. They looked confused. Turns out as I live in a totally different county now (30 miles from Boston) I never should have been called for jury duty in the first place in Boston, and no one can tell me how that happened (you would think they would be able to train their computers to, say, check zipcodes)... and no they couldn’t reimburse me the $15... but I was free to go. (I of course have been wondering why I didn’t notice that I now live in a totally different county—except that I am not very aware of such things.)
On the way out (through snow and freezing rain) I did get a hold of Joel to tell him how much my day SUCKED and how angry it makes me when he doesn’t answer his phone, both inappropriate reactions that of course I should not let fly and of course made him feel really bad. Nice job, wife.
I guess the good news is I am going to be home by 1 p.m. and I can get my work done rather than sitting on a jury. And maybe the other blessing, no matter how well disguised, is that I get this exposé of my own heart. (I’m not always sure exactly what fasting accomplished, but certainly it makes me more aware.) I certainly could have done some things differently today, like not vent my toxic emotions to my spouse, but I think more than that I want to be different. In the theme of spiritual disciplines not being about better behavior (and I don’t think that is what God ultimately wants for us anyway), but about coming close to God out of desire—to be changed, to not lose it even when we are having a perfect storm of a day, to learn to live freely and lightly.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
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