late night thoughts

I have a book manuscript due in exactly a week (minus a few hours) and I should be in 24/7 work mode right now-- because I certainly don't have enough hours in the week to do the work I would like to do on it. I have been struggling with motivation and discipline on this book for months and months and I thought once I really got down to the wire the deadline adrenaline would kick in-- but except for occasional episodes of mild panic, I am still having massive trouble not wanting to just twitter away my time every day in all manner of silly things. (Really, I actually created a Roth IRA today-- as if it really had to be done this week? Such is the extent of my procrastination.) To be fair, I did work a solid 10 hours today, which got me through one whole chapter (about 20% of the book)-- that shows you how much work there is left to do.

Meanwhile my brain is popping with all this other stuff, that I would much rather be thinking about than what to name the chapter sub-headings (something that really does need my attention). I don't know what it is, but 4 months into our time here at the seminary and 4 1/2 months or so from our departure, I am suddenly feeling ready to leave. Don't get me wrong, I love it here and there are so many people I am just getting to know that I will be so sad to leave, and I could happily live here for years. But I know the transition is coming and somehow I am just feeling very ready to have this chapter close and the next one start. I am sooo ready to have this book be done, ready to wrap up my job (one of my jobs, which will end on Feb 28), ready to pack up (ha! I haven't even totally unpacked), ready to know where we are going to live in the fall and who our friends will be and where we will buy our groceries and all that. I am thinking ahead to this summer and if we will really make it to Africa and where we will go and what we will do-- and I am excited about that, all the possibilities, and the new stuff, starting a PhD and maybe buying a house and getting established in a place where we may stay for a few years.

The struggle for contentment comes in so many forms, and for me at least, it is nearly constant. Probably it is for most of us, if we are honest. Tonight I was reading the blog of a friend who lives in Cambodia and it made me feel half crazy to be in a place like that, seeing and experiencing all the amazing variety and adventure of an overseas life, rather than being in my quiet and cold little corner of New England (where so many days I don't even leave the building!) It was the second time today that this mad longing for something else had siezed me, the other time being when I randomly ran across an online ad for Saudi Arabia. Ah, contentment-- it so rubs against my grain. So I was thankful for my friend's words (here and here) on being obedient and content wherever God places us, because as she notes, every life and set of circumstances has its difficulties. No matter how wonderful and abundant the life that God has given us, there will be circumstances in which contentment and joy are a choice.

So for the next 4 1/2 months I want to be content here. I want to be all here. I want to recognize and fully enjoy every blessing that God sends me here. Even in the midst of winter, book deadlines, and incessant head colds, I want to embrace the here and now. Join me in praying for contentment?